A year ago tomorrow

Caden today has been a hard day for Mommy, as I sit here and think of a year has passed since we found out you had a brain tumor. That was a very hard thing to hear, "Your son has a brain tumor" from 3 different doctors. I am so thankful Mimi Kathy was with me at PCH since Daddy couldnt be there because he was in Globe for work. Mimi Kathy had to call him on the phone and daddy had to drive home thinking of what was going to happen. We miss you like crazy and wish you were here, but are so grateful you arent hurting anymore. We love you sweet baby boy. Mommy

Thinking of you

Dear Caden,

Mommy is having a rough morning and I wish you were here to celebrate Easter with us. I layed on the couch thinking if you were here what you would look like in your new Easter outfit. Caden I miss you and love you more then I can say. As a mother you never think you are going to be the one to lose a child. When it does happen, geez does it hurt. I think often of the times we had together and the month you were in the hospital sick. You had your medicine so you were pretty happy. I cherish those times we had together. We walked hours and hours around the 2 nurses stations and they all thought you were so cute. I wish I had that time with you again. I am trying to stay positive, but it is hard. So many people tell me how strong I am and I just dont feel it. Last Sunday the ward choir got up to sing, "My Saviors Love" and I had to walk out because I knew I would start crying. I went to the bathroom and lost it. Since we have lost you I have been struggling with my testimony but I am working on it. I am trying to have faith.I am so grateful for my friends and family that I have that are willing to listen to me talk about you. I cant imagine not having them. Mommy loves you and help me to be strong. Love Mommy

Caden's Birthday

I was thinking of our son Caden the other day on what would have been his First Birthday, I know I don't say much about this usually, but I felt like saying something for my son. I can't describe how painful these past months have been for me and most especially my small family, I really have nothing to compare it to. I still miss him every day, despite knowing I will see him again. I wanted to openly thank those who have helped us and brought us comfort throughout these trying times, and even recently around his birthday, despite it being difficult or out of their comfort zone. I truly understand that it isn't easy, for friends or even family sometimes to reach out in times of great need to those in agony or anguish, but that makes it all the more incredible and remarkable when it does happen. You'll never know how much it meant to us, I never knew there were such incredible people who possessed such genuine courage and caring, you know who you are. It may have been a small gesture sometimes, but it reached depths which kept us moving forward and helped us to come together instead of drawing apart. Our good and bad experiences mold and refine us, for what purpose sometimes we know not. I know I will never be the person I was before, I hope I learn from these precious examples and from Caden's life to remake myself into the father and husband my son can truly be proud of. Happy Birthday Caden, I love you son.


Tommy

Holidays

As I sit here tonight on Halloween thinking about Carlee and Caden it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of Caden and what will the holidays bring. I sit here tonight thinking I wonder what we would of dressed Caden up as.

I went Christmas shopping on Friday by myself, and was shopping for Carlee and Caden. We are going to donate Cadens Toys to Phoenix Children's Hospital in February for his birthday. I went to the section in Target for 6-12month olds and I almost burst into tears thinking that I dont have Caden here with me. I had to think of my friend Kursty's little boy. He is 2 weeks younger then Caden and wondered what would he like for Christmas. I had to imagine him being Caden and thought, okay well at this age he would like this. I can see now why people say the holidays are hard after losing a loved one.

"He's My Son"

My cousin Cammi heard this song at TOFW this last weekend and I listened to it on You tube and I thought about Caden and this is exactly how I felt when Caden was suffering. I know he is with his Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ now. I know they are taking good care of him. I went to the temple this last Saturday and I felt very close to Caden. I had alot of tears but I knew he was near. I love you buddy. Always remember mommy prays for you and I can't wait until we can be together again so I can hold you. Mommy

"He's My Son"

I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

So many emotions

I find myself going to friends blogs and other peoples blogs that I dont even know to read there stories of there children passing away or there children that are sick. It has helped me to understand things a little more. It doesn't make things easier. Tonight as I was reading them I started to cry and thought I just need to stop reading right now. I find that I read them in the evenings after Carlee goes to bed and that is the worst time for me to read. I get very emotional. I am grateful I have these blogs to read and that I can try and give some peace to some of these moms and dads and they can do the same for me. There have been a few blogs where the moms have seemed so strong after losing there child and I ask myself, What is wrong with me? I just have to remind myself, one day maybe I will understand a little more of why this all happened. I am so glad I have this blog to write my feelings down. I just want Caden to know that every time I pray that I pray for him to be protected. I know he is, but I think it is just a mother that would do that. I love you buddy. Mommy

Prettiest Mom

Before I was a Mom ,
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't
stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom -

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so
important and happy.

Before I was a Mom -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a
Mom.