Holidays

As I sit here tonight on Halloween thinking about Carlee and Caden it brings tears to my eyes just thinking of Caden and what will the holidays bring. I sit here tonight thinking I wonder what we would of dressed Caden up as.

I went Christmas shopping on Friday by myself, and was shopping for Carlee and Caden. We are going to donate Cadens Toys to Phoenix Children's Hospital in February for his birthday. I went to the section in Target for 6-12month olds and I almost burst into tears thinking that I dont have Caden here with me. I had to think of my friend Kursty's little boy. He is 2 weeks younger then Caden and wondered what would he like for Christmas. I had to imagine him being Caden and thought, okay well at this age he would like this. I can see now why people say the holidays are hard after losing a loved one.

"He's My Son"

My cousin Cammi heard this song at TOFW this last weekend and I listened to it on You tube and I thought about Caden and this is exactly how I felt when Caden was suffering. I know he is with his Heavenly Father and Our Savior Jesus Christ now. I know they are taking good care of him. I went to the temple this last Saturday and I felt very close to Caden. I had alot of tears but I knew he was near. I love you buddy. Always remember mommy prays for you and I can't wait until we can be together again so I can hold you. Mommy

"He's My Son"

I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

So many emotions

I find myself going to friends blogs and other peoples blogs that I dont even know to read there stories of there children passing away or there children that are sick. It has helped me to understand things a little more. It doesn't make things easier. Tonight as I was reading them I started to cry and thought I just need to stop reading right now. I find that I read them in the evenings after Carlee goes to bed and that is the worst time for me to read. I get very emotional. I am grateful I have these blogs to read and that I can try and give some peace to some of these moms and dads and they can do the same for me. There have been a few blogs where the moms have seemed so strong after losing there child and I ask myself, What is wrong with me? I just have to remind myself, one day maybe I will understand a little more of why this all happened. I am so glad I have this blog to write my feelings down. I just want Caden to know that every time I pray that I pray for him to be protected. I know he is, but I think it is just a mother that would do that. I love you buddy. Mommy